On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
