I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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