the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
