The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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