I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
