She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
