I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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