the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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