did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My vagina is officially offended.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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