Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize