I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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