I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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