guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
