Cold hands, warm shart.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
