ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
