I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
