Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
