Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
