We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
