She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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