So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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