This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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