I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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