I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
