3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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