Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
