hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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