Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize