Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
