Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
