It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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