she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
