...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
