If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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