my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
