you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
