cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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