Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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