At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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