Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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