She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
