we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
