I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
