he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
