Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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