She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
