walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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