he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
smell my finger.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
