Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
