can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
