chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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