the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
