the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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