dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
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