i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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