i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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