I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
