He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
