life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
