Only a mothe r could love this liver
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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